Like a bird in a cage…

IMG_4526 (2)

My last blog I promised that I would tell you about my next brave move and I need to do this carefully and with grace to not only hold my own but to also respect what was. I also don’t want to bore you with the bloody ins and outs of relationship breakdowns and the craziness of life, however I do want you to know that I get it when things bring you down and you sometimes feel in a rut.  I honestly get it.

So what is it that makes us put up with it all?  Well, for me it was because it was easier to do what I know.  It was easier to not make waves.  It was easier to do what I was told and to not want for anything more.  It was easier to put all those dreams and yearnings on a shelf for some rainy day where the sky will open up and somehow I will have permission and approval from my other to go for it and head towards that shining light of opportunities and what I felt like….happiness.  But that was then, just a pipe dream and no conversation was going to make it happen.  It was easier to cut my losses and settle for the life half lived to keep life ticking along at that safe pace.  No waves.  No repercussions.  Just doing what we do.  And it was sad as years went on because he didn’t dare to dream either!  We were both in this unhappy existence pretending to be happy and all for what?  What was in it in the end?  Not sure. However, I will tell you this.  It doesn’t work!  Suppression is a kind of suffering and THAT is no good for any of us!  No good for quality of life.  No good for teaching our children how to make something of themselves and to strive and to be motivated and to give life all they have got!  Without goals and dreams all you have is ‘what’s the point’ and giving up.

My physical environment wasn’t much better. We sold a beautiful house and moved into a temporary abode with a cheaper mortgage thinking that would take the heat off everything and we could start to get back on track.  It was a cute little cottage and we set up home, on top of each other, but it was home all the same.  However, once the novelty wore off, our issues raised their heads once more and I knew it was deeper than just money.  We lost our way. I felt like a bird in cage.  I was stuck. Is this it?  I was sad for my kids.  Sad for him.  Sad for me.  I was trying to be someone in a space that did not work with me and I wasn’t being authentic because behind closed doors I felt caged and deflated. I was living vicariously through my clients and I knew deep within my heart that I wasn’t setting a good example about being true to myself and working hard to find happiness to my kids.  I was in other ways, through my work but me, personally, it was a contradiction. One that looked like I gave up.  That love wasn’t important.  That dreams weren’t worth having. AND! I was a designer/stylist living in glorified caravan that in the end did nothing for my creativity.  I started to not serve my clients properly!

Well screw that!!  I was going backwards and I didn’t like it. What became of my suppression? It was starting to turn into internal bitterness and resentment.  The ball of angst inside was growing and it had to go somewhere.  I knew that it was unhealthy.  We were unhealthy and things had to change. What I saw eventually, was that the people around us that we loved the most felt it too.  I also realised that being true to yourself and your dreams don’t go away. It either destroys you by shelving them or it makes you,  because you followed them.  I saw it around me.  I felt it in my very being that this is what life is about. Creating a beautiful existence! So I used it all to fuel my passions and dreams. I used it to make a decision, not just for me but for all of us. My inspiration and zest for a beautiful life came back. I opened that cage door and jumped on the edge.  Pondered. Weighed up all of the pro’s and con’s and when I knew that the only thing left to do was to be Brave…I jumped.  Not knowing where these little wings will take me. My favourite saying ‘Nothing changes if nothing changes’ popped into my mind and it was all I needed to go ‘YES’!  It is ok to want a better life.  It is ok to choose happiness.  It is ok to not play safe and take the chance and make the change. It is ok for a chapter to close and a new one open. For you. For them.

My dreams are coming alive.  My passion is burning hot!  My love for who I am is the deepest it has ever been because I am living authentically me.  (Not loving myself sick but you know what I mean yeah?) I am content.  My kids are thriving.  Everything is lighter and the lessons are beautiful.  I get to help more people by truly being happy.  You can’t function on half… we need to be whole.

AND! Even though we are apart and our family is different now. I don’t regret a thing!  I am every moment that has lead to now and I am grateful for it all.

* Just a note, by no means am I telling you to ditch your hubby because you hate your sofa…Hell NO! No freakin way! It’s just my story.  I am a huge believer in love and fighting for each other.  But I am also a believer of letting go and choosing happiness. Follow your heart and never give up on your dreams. I just wanted you to know I get it when you feel stuck.  But you are NEVER stuck.  You can change things beautiful lady.  You CAN make things better.  It’s not just about relationships.  (I hope you are all deliriously inlove)  It’s about being true to you.  Change your career if it’s not serving you.  Change your environment if it’s bringing you down.  Change the way you feel by taking action to do something for yourself!  Say no when you want to say no.  It is all worth it on the other side babe.  I promise!

If it’s not a ‘HELL YES’ then it’s a NO! – Melissa Ambrosini

Melissa and the girls

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s